In The Quietness Of The Closet

The world is loud and the arguments are many, as I sit here in my quiet closet. 

Sometimes my life feels as if I’m being carried along by a white-capped wave in a stormy sea. Sometimes I hold my breath and go deep into the water, where it’s quiet and everything seems graceful and flows with effortless ease. I want to stay here in the deep, where I’m alone. Where it’s quiet and removed from the white-capped waves from above. But I can only hold my breath for so long. And then I must return to the surface, and continue to ride the wave in the storm. 

I want to understand what I’m being taught. I want to see it in a bullet-point list. I want to say, “Aha! Here is the thing I must comprehend!”, and then set about to comprehending it. “Comprehend this thing you are being taught…,” I want to tell myself. “Reach out and grasp this thing…,” my will says to my hands. But the white-capped waves and my inability to breathe underwater continually remind me of my utter helplessness. I am at the mercy of the one who both controls the storm and creates things to breathe underwater. 

The flesh rages against helplessness. Because the flesh wants bullet-point lists. The flesh wants to control the storm. The flesh wants to breathe underwater by sheer willpower. But the spirit is content to sit in the quiet closet, for however long it takes for the unknown lesson to be learned. 

Oh Lord, may my spirit win. 

(Matt 6:6) But when you pray, go into your inner room, shut your door, and pray to your Father, who is unseen. And your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

(Ps 91:1,2) He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

(Ps 27:4,5) One thing I have asked of the LORD; this is what I desire: to dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and seek Him in His temple. For on the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; He will hide me in the secret place of His tent; He will lift me up on a rock.

Press On

Lately I’ve been wondering if Jesus ever wanted to go back to the miracle in Cana. 

I often see things I’ve posted in the past pop up on Facebook, and I marvel that I ever wrote them. I wonder at the spiritual food present in those writings, where did such nourishment come from? Surely not my own heart. A heart full of rooms with creaky doors and dusty corners. A heart that looks back on things I’ve written in the past, longing to feel the tangible nearness of Christ I felt then, rather than the faith I’m being taught to have in His presence now. 

Sometimes I long to go back to those days in my barn. Those days of His palpable presence and the outpouring of His living water day after day. And I wonder if Jesus ever longed to go back to simpler days during times when the Father was teaching Him the grueling exercise of pressing on? Pressing on in the silence? Pressing on in the darkness? Pressing on when you feel nothing at all? Pressing on when you feel too much? Pressing on when you are tempted to look back on “once was,” instead of looking ahead for the “to be.”

Paul teaches that we must not dwell on the things that have passed behind us, but rather, we must press on…”straining toward what is ahead.” He says we must “press on toward the goal to win the prize of God’s heavenly calling in Christ Jesus.” And I believe that Paul teaches us this because he was well-acquainted with the temptation to look back with longing for simpler days and mountaintop moments. 

But he was also well-acquainted with the Spirit of Christ, Who continually calls to us, “Press on!”

(Phil 3:13,14) Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize of God’s heavenly calling in Christ Jesus.

(Heb 12:1,2) Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off every encumbrance and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with endurance the race set out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…

(Heb 3:1) Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, set your focus on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess.

Reflection Of Hope

On my way home from work the other day, I wept and prayed for a certain student’s soul. 

This student has chosen darkness because, to them, there is no evidence of light. I cried out to God for mercy. For grace. For hope. And He reminded me, “There is always hope. As long as I am in the world, there is light and there is hope. Do the works of the Father as long as you have the light, for night is coming when no one will work.” As I thought about that this morning during my prayer time, I uttered by the Spirit, “The light is still here because I am here. You are in me and I am in You. As long as Your people are here, Your light is still in this world. And there is still hope.”

In my devotional this morning, Amy Carmichael wrote of a few evenings in India when it appeared that the sun set in the east. She said in the mountainous west, the clouds covered the valley and mountains, and there was no light, only darkness. She said, “yet the eastern sky was aglow” because “that sky saw what we could not see. It saw the light of the sun that was shining beyond the clouds that closed our valley in and covered our mountains. It was looking at and reflecting that great glory.” 

As soon as I read that, the Lord communicated to me, “that is what my people are to those who dwell in darkness.” We are a reflection of the light that they cannot see. Because we see what they cannot see. We see the glory of the Lord. We understand things that the flesh and natural mind encased in darkness cannot perceive. We are a spiritual people, seated in heavenly places— a place where there is no darkness and is perpetually aglow with the light of Christ. 

Then the Spirit brought back to my mind the morning when I was washing my youngest daughter’s hair, when the soap was creeping toward her eyes and she was afraid and cried out, “Mommy! I can’t see!” And I calmly responded, “It’s okay baby. I can.”  In that moment, I reflected the Lord to her. She was in darkness and I was in the light…

…because I could see what she could not see. 

(Is 9:1,2) Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those in distress…The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death, a light has dawned.

(John 8:12) Once again, Jesus spoke to the people and said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in the darkness, but will have the light of life.”

(John 1:4) In Him was life, and that life was the light of men.

(Matt 5:14,15) You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a basket. Instead, they set it on a stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.

(John 9:4,5) As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.

(John 12:35) Then Jesus told them, "For a little while longer, the Light will be among you. Walk while you have the Light, so that darkness will not overtake you. The one who walks in the darkness does not know where he is going..”

“Mommy, I Can’t See”

“Mommy, I can’t see.”

—“It’s okay baby, I can.”

As I helped my youngest wash her hair this morning, shampoo began to ooze toward my daughter’s closed eyes. I could hear the fear in my baby’s voice as she felt the encroaching soap headed toward her eyes and cried out, “Mommy, I can’t see!” And I tenderly responded, “It’s okay baby, I can.” All she could see was darkness, but I was in the light. She could see nothing, but I could see everything, and because of that, she was safe. 

In that moment, I thought about how many times I’ve cried out to the Lord like that. “Lord, I can’t see!” And how many times His response to me was the same as mine to my daughter, “It’s okay, I can.”

I can’t see, but He can. In times when all I can see is darkness, He dwells in the light. When we can see nothing, He can see everything… 

…and because of that, we are safe. 

(Prov 15:3) The eyes of the LORD are in every place, observing the evil and the good.

(Is 40:11) He tends His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart. He gently leads the nursing ewes.

(Ps 121:3-5,8) He will not allow your foot to slip; your Protector will not slumber. Behold, He who watches over Israel Will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand…The LORD will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore.

Love Unto Obedience

“Just get it over with.”

My 7 year-old daughter got in trouble this morning. For her punishment, I gave her the option to be grounded in her room all day or to just get it over with and get a spanking. She thought about it for a little while, and finally said, “Just get it over with.”

In the aftermath, we sat on the bed together and I told her that I loved her. I told her that my rules were good rules that protected her mind and her heart, and her spiritual and physical well-being. That my rules are meant to teach her self-control and how to make good choices. Then I asked her if she trusted me. She thought about that for a minute, then said, “Yes.” And I responded, “Then you need to trust my rules.”

I’ve heard people say that the high-water mark of a true believer is love. And with that, I do not necessarily disagree. However I would expound upon that and include Jesus’ words, “If you love Me, you will keep my commandments”— commandments that are not a yoke upon our neck, but a sword to our heart. Commandments that do not shine the outside of the cup, but deal with the development of godly character within. Commandments that are good rules that protect our mind and heart, and spiritual and physical well-being. Commandments that are meant to teach self-control and how to make good choices. 

Commandments that are followed because we trust that both He and His rules are good. 

(John 13:34,35) A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you also must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another.

(John 14:15,21) If you love Me, you will keep My commandments…Whoever has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me. The one who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and reveal Myself to him.

(John 14:23) Jesus replied, "If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word. My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him.”

(John 15:10) If you keep My commandments, you will remain in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and remain in His love.

(1 John 2:3) By this we can be sure that we have come to know Him: if we keep His commandments.

A Purpose And Plan

Crusty. Stale. Inedible. 

I made extra biscuits this morning. I knew that they wouldn’t be eaten. I knew that they would be left in the pan…crusty. stale. inedible. My children would have thrown these biscuits away. But I have a purpose for these biscuits that my children don’t know about. I have a plan in mind that my children are not aware of. 

As I carefully placed these biscuits aside until I’m ready to use them, I thought about the institution of the earthly church…crusty. stale. inedible. Vast numbers of believers are increasingly becoming aware of Christ knocking at the door of Laodicea. Many are coming out of the house that is desolate. They stand on the porch of the desolate house as the creditors come to collect. The bricks that built this house were borrowed from the ways of the world, and the world is a merciless financier. But the Lord will not leave us as orphans on the porch. 

In four days, I will crush these biscuits into pieces and use them to make a delicious cornbread dressing. I will take what is crusty, stale, and inedible, and I will crush it to turn it into something both desirable and nutritious. I will take what my children would have thrown away, and turn it into something else. Because I have a purpose that my children don’t know about… 

…I have a plan in mind that they are not aware of. 

(John 14:16-18) And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Advocate to be with you forever—the Spirit of truth. The world cannot receive Him, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. But you do know Him, for He abides with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I am coming to you.

(Rev 18:4) Then I heard another voice from heaven say: “Come out of her, My people, so that you will not share in her sins or contract any of her plagues.”

(Hab 2:6,7) Will not all of these take up a taunt against him, speaking with mockery and derision: ‘Woe to him who amasses what is not his and makes himself rich with many loans! How long will this go on?’ Will not your creditors suddenly arise and those who disturb you awaken? Then you will become their prey.

(Jer 18:4) But the vessel that he was shaping from the clay became flawed in his hand; so he formed it into another vessel, as it seemed best for him to do.

Grace, Grace, And More Grace

“I’m giving everybody grace this week. And you need lots of grace.”

Yesterday morning, one of my High School students turned in their Constantine essay late. I teach Secondary ELA, but I’m also the High School Bible teacher. While I was out the last two weeks dealing with my mother’s passing, one of the assignments I left for the High School Bible class was to write a facts vs. myths essay about Constantine that was due last Friday. 

When this student handed me their essay, they said, “I probably didn’t write enough.” And I responded, “It’s okay kiddo, I’m giving everybody grace this week. And you need lots of grace.” Then tears immediately welled up in this student’s eyes as they responded, “Yes, I do.” In that moment, the Lord reminded me how we often tend to think that our standing with Him is based on “doing enough,” when really it’s based more on recognizing our need for grace. Our Lord is far more interested in hearts that are devoted to Him, rather than hands that do enough work. 

I can’t share the backstory on this student and their particular struggles with responsibility, with identity, and with other things outside of school. But suffice it to say, that the Lord placed this student in my classroom because Jesus said it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. Mind you, not those who are rebellious and recalcitrant in their sinful sickness, but those who are wounded and languishing in it. The smoldering wicks and the bruised reeds…

…and the poor in spirit who need lots of grace. 

(Matt 5:3) Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

(James 4:6,7) But He gives us more grace. This is why it says: “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

(Matt 12:19-21) “…He will not quarrel or cry out; no one will hear His voice in the streets. A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not extinguish, till He leads justice to victory. In His name the nations will put their hope.”

(Luke 5:30-32) But the Pharisees and their scribes complained to Jesus’ disciples, “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?” Jesus answered, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”