The Other Side

About a week ago, a few brothers and sisters in Christ asked about my testimony. In all honesty, I felt a tinge of panic in the pit of my stomach because some of the thoughts that went through my mind were, “Where would I even start?...We ain’t got that kind of time…Do I leave out the offensive stuff?...How much of my checkered past do I share?...”

I was a sinful woman, and there are some things my husband has asked me not to share because he loves me and doesn’t want me to be dishonored. I get that. I am his wife and there is a natural tendency in men to defend their wife’s honor. What I will say is that during my twenties, I thought I had all the answers. I thought I understood what life was about. On the weekends, you could find me in close proximity to a cigarette and a glass of whisky. Pretty much wherever the alcohol and party were, you could find me there. And alcohol was often simply the precursor to a litany of other mind-altering substances I dabbled with. At that time, I thought understood God and I thought I understood myself. But I was wrong, and there is a long, crooked trail of mistakes throughout my life that leads from that wild party girl to the woman who types this today.

Today, there are a lot of things about God that I still struggle to understand. There are things in Scripture that still aren’t quite clear to me, and other things in Scripture that I see a lot of people arguing about that probably aren’t worth arguing about. There are certain things that I wrestle with and I come to God, over and over, asking Him what the answer is. Asking Him to just tell me what’s right, rather than just sitting there in His awful silence while I struggle to figure it out. Not too long ago, during my prayer time, I was wrestling for answers that seem to remain elusive to me. That night, sometime around 4 a.m., I woke up and sat up in bed, wide awake, and the Holy Spirit said: “Sometimes the answer is in the journey; it is the person you are becoming while you look for the answer.”

I think that’s why God allows us to make mistakes and leaves some things vague. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolute truth and there is a right and wrong way to interpret Scripture. But God is interested in teaching us wisdom and understanding, and that can only come through experience. It comes through trial and error, from making mistakes and learning what not to do, just as much as not making mistakes because you’ve made the right choice. Sometimes it’s our mistakes that bring us to the right conclusions. Often times, the things that break us are the very things that God will use to save us.

My sinful past broke me and brought me into a long season of sorrow, but often times our sorrows give us an understanding about God that simply can’t be communicated by words. Our hurts teach us things about God and ourselves like nothing that could ever be captured with ink or explained from the pulpit. At times, life can seem like a roller-coaster on a ship out in the middle of a stormy sea. Up and down and side to side and no relief in sight, while your mind screams “how am I supposed to make it through this to the other side?” Times where you begin to wonder if there even is an “other side,” or if you’re just trapped in a godforsaken merry-go-round of struggle…because from your limited vantage point, you ain’t seeing no “other side.”

But here is the truth of the matter. Life is a journey and part of that journey is making mistakes and going through some crappy stuff. It’s a journey which requires an inordinate amount of grace, because it is a journey which includes dealing with and overcoming fear, doubt, ignorance, immaturity, failure, pride, brokenness, wrong thinking, temptation, weakness, and all those other flaws of human character. Life is a journey of overcoming broken human character because we were created to bear God’s unbroken character. God created us in His image to bear His image, so all that human brokenness has to go. Little by little, Christ is formed in us. Little by little, pieces of us die and, little by little, His increasing presence and character are resurrected within us in their place. God is sovereign over His work in you, which means that if you are truly rooted and grounded in Christ, if you have truly accepted Him as your Savior and He is truly the Lord of your life, then even if your path isn’t the straightest in the race, you will come to the correct conclusions. Just ask the 23 year-old me with a cigarette and a glass of whiskey in her hand.

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to walk in Him. For you have been rooted in Him and are being built up and strengthened in the faith, just as you were taught, and overflowing with gratitude. (Col 2:6,7)

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Deut 4:29)

...because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, I am sure of this: that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil 1:5,6)