Preacher Girl

I am not a righteous woman.

I remember one day about ten years ago, I was in my Mammaw’s dining room talking to my Aunt Dorothy. I told her that I had started to read the Bible, you know, the whole thing, from cover to cover. She smiled and enthusiastically commended me for such an endeavor. Then I said, “I think God wants me to preach.” And I remember the look on her face. She didn’t say anything, she just raised her eyebrows, but I knew what she was thinking, “Ain’t no way God would call you to preach.” Now, I love my Aunt Dorothy, so don’t think I’m sharing this to speak ill of her because I’m not. Truth be told, Aunt Dorothy had every reason to think what she did because of what she saw on the outside of me, but God looks at our heart.

I didn’t get married until I was 27 years old because honestly, it seemed like more trouble than it was worth from my vantage point. I had a filthy mouth, a drinking problem, a temper, an attitude, and was fiercely independent, but there was a heart underneath all that, and that heart was broken. All that tough outer shell was to protect all the brokenness inside. God saw the inside of me and said, “I’m going to redeem that and call it Mine.”

I have always been deeply impacted by the story of King David. He’s not who the world would have picked, but He is who God picked because God saw his heart. I have often marveled how a mercenary, an adulterer, and a murderer could be called a man after God’s own heart. David was not a righteous man, even by the world’s standards, but David was filled with a deep longing to know God. David was willing to be righteous, willing to surrender, willing to repent. The Psalms are full of his heart-piercing prayers, his inner longings to please God, even despite his failures. David was willing to be completely transparent before God, whether he could find the right words to express himself or not. I have found that we often want beautiful words, but God simply wants to anoint our cries.

No, I am not a righteous woman, but I’m willing to be. I am not righteous, but Christ in me is righteous. He wanted my heart and I was willing to give it to Him, shattered pieces and all, with the childlike hope that He could somehow put it all back together. Because of His Holy Spirit at work in me, I am not the woman I used to be, but I am still becoming the woman God wants me to be. Despite my past and despite my weaknesses which remain, I am filled with a deep longing to know God. I long for righteousness, I long to surrender, I am quick to repent, and beloved, if you are filled with those things then God will be faithful to finish His work of righteousness in you too.

(2 Cor 5:20,21) Therefore we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making His appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ: Be reconciled to God. God made Him Who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. 

(Phil 1:4,5) In every prayer for all of you, I always pray with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

(1 Sam 16:6-12) When they arrived, Samuel saw Eliab and said, “Surely here before the LORD is His anointed.” But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or height, for I have rejected him; the Lord does not see as man does. For man sees the outward appearance, but the Lord sees the heart.” … Thus Jesse made seven of his sons pass before Samuel, but Samuel told him, “The Lord has not chosen any of these.”...“There is still the youngest,” Jesse replied, “but he is tending the sheep.” “Send for him,” Samuel replied… So Jesse sent for his youngest son and brought him in....And the LORD said, “Rise and anoint him, for he is the one.”

(Acts 13:22) After removing Saul, He raised up David as their king and testified about him: 'I have found David son of Jesse a man after My own heart; he will carry out My will in its entirety.'