The Reluctant Hand

There was a time in my walk with God that He began to deal with my inner man.  It was a time in which I came face to face with who I truly was in light of God’s holiness, and the only thing that carried me through it and kept me going was His merciful grace.  Thinking back on it, I liken it to when God allowed the prophet Isaiah to see Him on His throne in heaven and all Isaiah could do was cry, “Woe to me…I am ruined!  For I am a man of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty!” (Is 6:5).  Isaiah saw himself in the light of Who God is, and he was utterly undone.  I see many people in the church who seem to believe in Jesus Christ, but they have never gotten to the place where they have allowed Him to deal with their inner man.  They have never opened themselves up fully to Him, allowing Him to sift through them, dealing with their flaws, healing them of all their inner brokenness.  They are like the rich young ruler at Mark Chapter 10, who followed all the rules as he followed Jesus around for a time, but then when Jesus was ready to deal with the young ruler’s heart, the young ruler walked away, unwilling to give himself to Christ fully and completely.  What we learn from this account in the Gospels is that people can follow Jesus on a superficial level, and yet never truly trust in Him.  We learn from this account, that God is more interested in dealing with your heart than receiving your superficial religion. 

Three years ago, as God was dealing with me in the furnace, purifying my heart, I wrote a poem in my prayer journal that I have never shared.  I’ve never shared it because it was a moment of deep intimacy with God, a moment of total nakedness, total surrender, total honesty.  I never intended to share this poem with anyone, because it was just between me and God and this moment belonged to Him.  But we are at a place in Christendom where people need to understand how to be in right relationship with God, more so than any understanding they are getting from sitting in a pew one hour a week.  We are at a place where people need to hear deep truths that will pull them out of Babylon, out of superficial commercial religion and into the kind of relationship that God truly wants to have with them.  It is my desire to cast a net for those who are hungry and broken and seeking to know and understand God that compels me to share this deeply personal journal entry:

August 7, 2017

I am so aware of my brokenness.  I grieve over my flaws and deeply scarred wounds.  I imagine all the ways my ugliness will seep to the surface and flood my circumstances with sin.  Anger, contempt, pride, oozing through the cracks and fissures that I cry out to God to repair.

I come to You and say, “I am broken.”

I hold my shattered pieces out to You and say, “See?  I need to be fixed.”

I need to be fixed.

But I am afraid of the nail.

I lay on this cross, one hand nailed to it,

But the other I keep snatching away.

I snatch it away because I am broken and I need to be fixed.

But the only way I can be fixed,

Is to stop snatching it away.

Paradox.

I am affixed to Your cross by this nail of faith through my hand,

A hand that I willingly give.

A hand that I would allow to be nailed here, over and over.

But as I lay here, affixed to You for all eternity,

Your brilliant light shows the deep, dark shadows that remain.

The shadows where my wounds and flaws reside.

Your beauty only magnifies my ugliness.

I weep and I beg for you to remove this thorn,

Not realizing that it is this thorn which You are using

To nail my other hand to this cross

And set me free

Today, as I sit here, I can say with great joy and worshipful gratitude, that I have been nailed to the cross of Jesus Christ and I have been set free.  It never ceases to amaze me how God can take a sinner like me—broken and flawed, cracked and chipped—and not only see value underneath all of that, but also transform me into something useful.  Know this, my beloved weary and broken traveler, Jesus Christ makes the broken whole, He rejoices over the rejected, He trades us salvation for shame and He turns sinners into saints…..if you would but give Him your other hand and stop snatching it away.  If you would but trust that He can not only clean up your mess, but give you beauty for your brokenness.

So to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me. (2 Cor 12:7-9)

“…to provide for those who grieve in Zion—to give them a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and a garment of praise in place of a spirit of despair. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” (Is 61:3)

“Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”  “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good except God alone. You know the commandments..”  “Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”  Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” He said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come follow Me.” At this the man’s face fell.  He went away sad because he had great wealth. (Mark 10:17-22)

You say, “I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.” But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.  (Rev 3:17-20)